From:  Dana Newman

Microsoft Windows 95 Stuns World

Tuesday August 29 09:31 a.m. EDT

Redmond, Wash (AP) - Fans and detractors of the long-awaited Microsoft
Windows 95 have been stunned and amazed by the incredible events
surrounding the August 24 release. Windows 95 has been hailed by
industry giant Pierson Holcombe Pewter as "the most advanced operating
system ever produced." But even he could not have predicted that day's
events.

It began when peace was declared in Bosnia. Said Ahmad G'Hui,
spokesperson for the Serbs, "Now that [Windows 95] has been released,
we just don't see any reason to fight each other. This is an amazing
product."

Then France announced its intention to stop all testing of nuclear
weapons. "We used to think that our national boundaries were of
utmost import. To safeguard them, it was necessary to continue
testing [nuclear weapons]," said Jacques Fenetre of the French
government. "The Microsoft Network (tm) has changed all of that.
It's such a small planet!"

On the other side of the "small planet", George Bush and Saddam
Hussein met face-to-face for the first time. After a tense greeting,
they started sharing notes about their experiences as Windows 95
beta-testers. Soon the two lifelong enemies were laughing and
chatting like old friends. In a startling display of candor, Hussein
said "If I hadn't been so frustrated with that damned beta, I'd have
backed off from Kuwait much sooner." Bush laughed and commiserated
with Hussein, saying "Well, Saddam, I *told* you it'd be released
eventually, all you had to do was wait. Hey!  Let's play some
FreeCell!"

Oil prices dropped as OPEC transferred their accounting software to
the new platform. Loggers in the United States' Pacific Northwest
turned their axes in for spades after seeing a Microsoft Video of
spotted owls using Windows 95. In an economic shocker, the Peso
reversed its downward spiral due to huge Windows 95 sales in Acapulco
and Mexico City.

On the health front, Hildegard Wicca, a housewife in Boston, MA,
reports that Windows 95 has removed her facial warts. "I sat down in
front of the computer, pressed 'Start', and felt something odd on my
face. When I looked in a mirror, my warts were gone!" Even more
amazing is the story of Mark Cense, the Los Alamos man who was
reported last week as having an incurable, fatal form of cancer. His
doctors were amazed yesterday when, after simply buying Windows 95 at
the local Computer Universe store, his cancer went into remission.

When asked for a comment on these almost miraculous events,
Microsoft's Bill Gates, recently declared to be the richest man in the
United States, replied "If you think *this* is good, just wait until
you see Windows 97!  More info will be forthcoming in 1999."

Reports that China's release of dissident Harry Wu was contingent on
his returning with "as many copies of Windows 95 as he can carry" are
unconfirmed at this time.

This morning in a stunning development the Noble Prize Committee
announced that competition for this years Peace Prize has been
suspended and the the Committee is instantly awarding the coveted
laurel to Bill Gates and Windows '95.

Sven Meghaarddrive was quoted as saying," yumpink yimminy; I haf
nevear seen anything like it !!"

  EXTRA !!  EXTRA !!  EXTRA !!
  MORE ON STAGGERING FREUNDLICH-REPORTED EXCLUSIVE
  "Microsoft Windows 95 Stuns World"

Eyewitness evidence continues to flood in (we edit for space)....

   cmunsch@onramp.net (Corina Munsch):
   My car started getting better gas mileage, too.

   gregory@omni.voicenet.com (Gregory, Team OS/2):
   My dandruff problem is gone.
   And my copy of OS/2 STILL WORKS !!!

(But the drippy ticking of those damned restarted clocks in my
Salvador Dali posters is driving me potty...)

Rumor has it that IBM will be releasing something soon to offset the
press on Windows 95. It was called OS/2 version 2.0

*EOF(WINSTUNS.TXT)
