From: Doug Azzarito <Doug_Azzarito@bocaraton.ibm.com>

The following news broadcast was written, produced and directed by
Doug Azzarito. Don't blame anyone else for this!  And remember, it
was a JOKE (some people believe everything they read).

Greetings, COMDEX visitors, now here's the news:

Atlanta was invaded this week by an unruly army of oddly-dressed
people who seem determined to create anarchy and defy any type of
authority. No, this was not a repeat of last weekend's FREAKNIK, it
was just the annual gathering of the group known as TEAM OS/2.

Shortly after his Windows world keynote speech tuesday morning,
Microsoft chairman Bill Gates was asked about his plans to release
OS/2 versions of Microsoft applications. Mr. Gates denied any plans
to do so. When reminded of his earlier promise to release OS/2
versions of his popular software when IBM sold 2 million copies of
OS/2, Mr. Gates replied, "What I meant was 2 million OS/2 sales per
month."

Early this morning, David Barnes, well known OS/2 evangelist,
apparently stopped talking long enough to take a breath. IBM named
this breath "inhale 95." Mr. Barnes estimated this breath will keep
him talking well into next year.

The Catholic church this week announced the formation of a new order
of nuns. Based in Prague, Chechoslovakia, this new order is devoted
to surfing the net, and will be known as "Our lady of Warp."

At Spring Comdex this week, IBM announced their latest version of it's
best-selling OS/2 Warp operating system. This newest version is meant
for customers who don't have the resources to run Warp. Stripped of
the user interface, multi-threading and crash protection, this product
is able to run on even the smallest computers. IBM will call this new
product DOS.

NASA researches have made a breakthrough in high-strength materials
manufacturing for the "national space plane" project. This new
material is able to withstand the high winds and turbulence associated
with supersonic travel, without the slightest sign of stress or
damage. Scientists are secretive about the exact formula for this
material, but sources say the code name for this new material is
"David Barnes' Hair"

Leaders of the Moslim faith this week announced an end to the long
standing "death order" on the head of author Salmon Rushdie. Instead,
a moslim death order has been placed on the head of computer columnist
John Dvorak, apparently for writing a column attacking Microsoft's
Windows '95. A spokesman for publisher Ziff Davis said the death
order would be ignored, but added "none of our other authors are in
any danger of attracting similar threats."

IBM today announced that it's latest operating system, OS/2 Warp, sold
2 million copies last month, making it the best selling operating
system in the world. Microsoft chairman Bill Gates again denied any
plans to sell applications for OS/2, saying he would produce OS/2
applications, and I quote, "When the martians start buying Warp."

The search for missing OS/2 Programmer and "PINK NINJA" founder Doug
Azzarito continues this week. Mr. Azzarito has been missing since he
left to do an OS/2 demo in August, 1991. If you see him, consider him
ARMED and DANGEROUS, and call authorities at 1-800-3IBM-OS2.

Six Comdex visitors, all programmers for a large computer software
company were found this morning in the Georgia World Congress center,
apparently trapped for days, and near starvation. When rescuers asked
the victims what happened, one of the trapped programmers said they
boarded the escalator, but were trapped before reaching the next
floor. Rescuers were quick to point out the programmers were on a
staircase, not an escalator.

Famous fitness expert Jack Lalanne was seriously injured this morning
when his computer-controlled stairmaster experienced a GPFault. Mr.
Lalanne issued a statement from his hospital room saying, "I've gotta
get warped before that thing kills me!"

Stac Electronics, maker of the popular STACKER disk compression
software, today introduced STACKER for tradeshows. This product
compresses the space required for tradeshow exhibit booths. After
witnessing this technology, a spokesman for Comdex sponsor, The
Interface Group said next year's spring Comdex will be held in the
motor lobby at the Westin Peachtree hotel.

Nasa scientists confirmed the existence of extra-terrestrial
intelligence this week, after decoding messages received by
high-powered radio receivers. After months of in-depth study by NASA
supercomputers, the message, when translated to english reads, "Please
send our warp upgrades." Microsoft chairman Bill Gates was unavailable
for comment.

That's the news as I see it!

*EOF(DOUGNEWS.TXT)
