Scene 1 - Prison cell. Duke Nukem is standing there.
Duke: What am I doing here? All I did was walk in that toilet with that nice
man George Michael, now I'm in here. Where was he hiding that chocolate bar?
That's what they call a Careless Wispa. Talk about Fast Love, woohoo, baby
baby! And WHAM, banged up in a prison cell. And the toilets! Talk about Lucky!
Oh look, the door's open, I don't have time to play with myself... much more.
(grabs nailgun) Time to kick ass and drink Babycham. And I'm all outta 'cham.
(goes out)

Scene 2 - Bar. Stormtrooper is at the bar. Han Solo is the bartender.
Stormtrooper: (drunk) I don't care about this fackin' Emperor and his fackin'
star destroyers and fackin' everything. I am the King of the Universe, and not
a lot of people know that. And I... am.. not... pished... (falls. Duke enters)
Duke: Babycham please, bartender.
Han Solo: We don't serve your kind in here!
Duke: (turns around) Gay mode OFF. (turns around, talks like Duke) Babycham,
please.
Solo: Ten thousand all in advance.
Duke: (in gay voice) Ten thous... ahem... (back to Duke voice) what? Well, I
could get a Babycham around the corner for an eighth of that and get a glass
to put it in.
Solo: Yeah and who's gonna fly it you?
Duke: (in Luke voice) Yeah I'm not such a bad pilot myself!
(Continue conversation for another 10-15 secs. Then they turn and look at the
camera and it stops)
Duke: (in gay voice) Ooh, what were we talking about? Now are you gonna give
me the drink or am I gonna have to shoot you!
Solo: It's not wise to upset a Wookiee.
(Duke shoots him and kills him)

 insert-credits with music

Scene 3
(Boba running through E1M1 shooting things stops starts to fade to white to
music)
Boba: What's going on
(Flicks to Starship Enterprise NCC 1701-D Holodeck two troopers enter)
Elliot: Sgt. Elliot sir FBI
Haywood: Female Body Inspectors.
(They laugh in turn annoyingly till interupted)
Boba: What do you want.
Elliot: Sorry to interupt your session -er- training session I'm sorry I was
-er- speaking my mind <ahem> Mr.Fett, sir can you come with us.
Boba: What in my best suit. I've had this dry cleaned after the Sarlacc
incident.
Haywood: Yeah I heard you don't like to speak about that, so what happened,
Come you can tell us, you can...
Boba: Shut up.
Haywood: Did you hear him innit he cute
Boba: Shut the fuck up
Haywood: Yes sir sorry sir may I lick your <beep> sir
Elliot: Excuse me but I'm your superior.
Boba: Lets just go.
(exeunt)

Scene 4 field
(two sheep) Baaaaaaa!

Scene 5 brief room
(Chief Hawkins at end of table. Marines and Boba enter)
Hawkins:(as Stephen Hawkins) Diss-missed
Marines: Yes sir!
(they exit)
Boba: What do you want?
Hawkins: I'm-Chief-Horkings-please-take-a-seat.
Boba: I can't.
Hawkins: Why-not?
(Greg runs on)
Greg: Because we can't do QuakeC or Models here at Q-Corpse. If you'd like
to help us with this problem E-mail us now at psyk@tv13.demon.co.uk (this
flickers on screen)
(he leaves)
Hawkins: As-you-don't-know-Duke-Nuk-um-has-stolen-the-plans-for-the-Death
-Star-sorry-wrong-film. He-has-stolen-the-baby-cham-from-Han's-bar-and-killed
-Han-he-was-my-friend-and-I-need-a-drink.
Boba: Damn, the bastard I'll kill him just tell me where he is.
Hawkins: I-don't-know-you'll-have-to-find-out. You-will-meet-TK-243-at-the
-bar. Use-the-hologram-to-select-two-agents-to-help-you.
(Hologram appears on table skin:C3P0)
Hawkins: What-about-him.
Boba: He may be gold on the outside but he's got a pink centre.
(Punisher)
Boba: Yeah I've heard hes good.
Hawkins:Sorry-hes-busy-punishing-Sgt.-Elli-ot.
(Strange noises whip -ahhh!!!)
(Thresh)
Hawkins: Look-it-is-Thresh-hes-good-very-good-very-very-good-ver..
Boba: OK Shutup. Hah! Him hes not as good as my penis.
Hawkins:I-'ve-heard.
(Dredd)
Boba:Dredd, yes I'll have him
(Milkman)
Hawkins: What-a-bout-the-milk-man.
Boba: Don't you bring my dad into this.
(Knight)
Hawkins: Sir-Prance-a-lot-how-about-him?
Boba: Have you got any one else?
Hawkins: No
Boba: OK I'll go for him
Hawkins: O-K-good-luck-you-'ll-need-it.
Boba: Hang on didn't you do the voice for Arabian Nights on the C64.
Hawkins: Yes-I-thought-that-was-quite-good. This-is-a-very-embar-essing
-situation-I-can't-hold-my-baby-sham-or-in-fact-anyhing-else-except-this
sad-little-(beep)-stick.
Boba: Shall I keep this from the rest of the team.
Hawkins: Yes.
Boba: Lets talk cash.
Hawkins: This-is-a-gover-ment-cor-poratian-we're-running-up-more-debts-than
-most-third-world-countries.
Boba: No money, no job.
Hawkins: How-about-a-Boomstick-up-the-back-side.
Boba: (enthusiastically) I'll do it... Hang, on...
Hawkins: To-late
Boba: Shit, fuck, arse, wank...
Hawkins: I-can't
Boba: Too wierd...er...man
(Boba quickly exits)

Scene 6 - Bar. Boba Fett, Knight and Judge Dredd enter.
Boba: Where is that damn stormtrooper?
Dredd: Why did you call us all here? What's going on anyway?
Knight: Yes, my leige, I would prefer to know why we were called to your
service!
Boba: Look, Duke Nukem is outta jail. He stole The Babycham, he killed Han,
and we gotta find him.
Dredd: What, Han?
Boba: No! Duke, you llama!
Dredd: Sorry.
(stormtrooper falls down, gets up)
Dredd: Where have you been?
ST: I'vvee bennn ffffacckin thh damn Emperorr.
Knight: Yes, that's all well and good, but I've got dragons to rescue and
princesses to slay!
Boba: Are you sure you've got that right?
Knight: I think so.
Boba: Good.
Dredd: Can I take my mask off now please? I KNOW they didn't do it in
the comic, but they have to pay me more when my face is on the screen.
Boba: No! We can't let people know we're all clones of Billy Crystal! I'm
Billy Crystal doing a impression of Boba Fett!
Dredd: I'm Billy Crystal doing an impression of Judge Dredd!
ST: I'm Billy Crystal. (pause for laughter)
Dredd: Guys, before we continue, there's something I've been wanting to tell
you. I know I look really macho, but I've gotta get this off my chest.
Boba: What, your armour?
Dredd: No!
Knight: You can borrow mine...
Dredd: Shut up!
ST: I just had a thought. We've all got the same size armour.
Dredd: Why's that?
(Greg runs on)
Greg: Because we can't do QuakeC or Models... (shot to death by all except the
Knight)
Knight: Good work fellas.
Boba: Hey, what's happening?
(fades white. fades back, they're in grey void)
Knight: My leige! You killed our scriptwriter! We're in... The Grey Void!!!
(weird stuff floats by in the background)
Boba: Whatever you do don't look down.
ST: Why not
(looks down stormtrooper falls fast constantly, others are floating around. The two soldiers from op_bays float past telling
the ET joke)
Boba: Heard it.
(Jonno floats past reading the news from metamorph)
Dredd: Who's he?
Knight: You don't want to know!
(screen fades white. fades back, scene from cess pit)
Prickie: Where's Agay.
Knight: Don't tell him anything it may disturb the quaketimecontinuum.
Dredd: We may never happen.
Boba: I know.
Prickie: Hang on your my friends, Wedje, Psyk and Sic what about me.  What's
happened.
Boba: Don't tell him.
(ST falls down)
ST: Oh Fuck it. I'm all wet.
Prickie: Oh I see
(fades white. fades back, in RGB)
(In Text)
<Salute>
<Salute>
Boba: Cool we were in a Ranger Movie
(Fade white back in bar)
Boba: What happened?
Knight: I believe we've got a new scriptwriter! Huzzah!
Boba: Yeah, whatever. Now have a look around and see if you can find any
clues.
(They look up and down and round)
Dredd: Nothing
Boba: No, fools, search!!!
(they look around, stormtrooper falls over, dredd goes behind the bar)
Dredd: Look! There's a note! D'ya think it's a plot device?
Boba: Why didn't the stormtrooper just say so?
Dredd: Comic effect.
Boba: Well, what's it say?
Dredd: It says "I stole the Babycham, signed Duke Nukem." It's even got a
crudely-drawn map on the back telling us where to find him.
Knight: That was kind of him.
Boba: True lets go
(Outside)
Boba: Somebody go pick up that Stormtrooper.
(Bird hits wall)

Scene 7 - Gate. Two stormtroopers stand outside. Duke Nukem walks on.
ST1: Stop! We need to see your identification
Duke: Oh! Hello can I enter your hole.
ST2: No we need to see your identification
Duke: (as Obi Wan) You don't need to see my identification.
ST1: No we don't your on the guest list
ST2: (Star Wars) Move along.
(He exits)

scene 8 - Field. Two sheep
Sheep1:[E=MC2 And the square on the hypotanuse is equal to the sum of the
squares on the other two sides](translated from sheepish)

scene 9 - E1M3 entrance room
Boba: Ok you all know your positions?
dredd: Pointman.
Knight: Rearguard.
Stormtrooper: 69?
Boba: That's good. Let's go.
(They head off through level into falling in ceiling room dredd goes down
steps and round corner, camera follows so hes off screen.)
dredd: Ahh now I can take off my mask (mask off noise) Ahh can't breath...
light too bright... Ego too big... pop!
(he gibs.  Switch to tunnels below room guys run through ST staggers Knight
stops to beat off emerging morphed zombie)
Knight: Back foul scum back I say!
(Trap room Boba and ST rocket jump over Knight attempts to axe jump(!!!) as
he has no rocket launcher and is killed by trap.  Room after trap room.)
Boba: Looks like its just us.
(They run into water followed by camera round block once Boba exits ST
continues round trying to find Boba camera flys off ST's voice gets fainter.
Switch to end room (One angle all through shot). Duke stands in front of
Paedo-freak.  Boba cums up on lift)
Boba: Give it up Duke you'll never get away with it I'm taking you down.
Freak: OOOHHH!!!
Duke: Frankly my dear I don't give a damn, you shall never defeat my
paedo-freak (He runs off through door freak using grossly perverted sounds
spots Boba (notarget off!) They fight Boba with nailgun he kills it and exits
after Duke.)

Scene 10 - Reception
Boba: Hello sexy.
Receptionist (male): What do you mean?
Boba: Oh... sorry. I thought you were a woman. It's hard to tell in Quake.
(da dum, TSSCCHH)
Boba: Anyway, could you give me Duke Nukem's room number please?
Recep: Sure thing... The number's 44454647A.
Boba: Forty-four, forty-five, forty...
Recep: Hurry up! This is a plot-filler, we can't make long drawn-out scenes
now, the director says so!
Levi: (runs on) Because we can't make long scenes at Q-Corpse. We need to make
very short, quick scenes that get the plot over and done with. The reason
behind this is that Quake movies are...
Boba: RAAGH!! (runs past)
Levi: What??

Scene 11 - Lift
Boba: Hey hey hey, I gotta joke. Say knock knock.
(Flick camera)
Boba: Knock knock.
(F C)
Boba: Who's there
(F C)
Boba: How the fuck am I meant to know.
(F C)
Boba: You told the joke.
(F C)
Boba: Come on you bastard! Let's rumble!
(Outside lift. Storm Trooper. Super Nailgun from inside. Boba runs out and is
gunned down. Second Boba comes out.)
Boba: TK423! what are you doing here?
(Through POV FOV 150)
ST: Ahhh Feck off! (undrunk) Boba, I've got something to tell you. I'm not
pissed.
Boba: I find that hard to believe.
ST: What the fuck would you know. Look lets go.
(Boba goes to first door ST stops to look in lift sees large room full of
Boba's fighting)
ST: Shit.
(First door)
Boba: Stay here.
(inside)
Enforcer: Look at you, you lumps of gay! Call yourself Grunts?! You've got
to get organised! Keep yer kit on! You'll never make professionals! Now
get to your stations!
Grunts: Yes sir.
(Boba runs in gun blazing kills them all except one injured.)
Boba: Excuse me is this room 44454647C?
Grunt: (strained) No, 44454647A.
Boba: Thank you, just one more thing.
Grunt: What?
(He punches him and leaves they go to second door)
Boba: This is a job for Boba Fett.
ST: Who's he?
Boba: Me, you fool.
(He goes in.)
Boba: As soon as I walked in the room, I thought something was wrong.
(Two pakis talking in their native tongue. See Boba, and are shocked. Reaction
shots)
Boba: Are you guys up to anything in here?
Pakis: Oh, nononono, we not doin' anytin.
Boba: That's good. But remember...
Sting: I'll be watchin' you.
(Boba goes out)
Pakis: Oh, bud bud bollocks beavis and butthead etc. (subtitles: Silly wanker.
He didn't see that big thing!)
(Outside they walk to third door)
ST: This it?
Boba: 44454647C. Yep. Lets rock. Hey, I wonder where that line came from.
(They go in.)

Scene 12 Massive Death Star style Emperor's chamber.
Both: Wow!!!
Boba: This is too big must be the wrong room.
(They go back to corridoor)
Boba: No, room 44454647C. This is it.
(Return to chamber. Duke and George Michael(!) enter)
Boba: You...
Duke: What me?
Boba: No George Michael...
(Close up of George. Dan-dan-daaaan!)
Boba: You used to be my favourite singer. You bastard.
George: You can't prove it I was never here, I never commited gay acts with
HIM!
Duke: What?!?
(George legs it past them and out the door)
ST: I'll get him!
(He goes after him.)
Boba: Its just you and me now motherfucker.
Duke: How dare you I'm not a motherfucker I'm gay... You're not going to
publish that are you
Boba: No.
(Reporter runs on)
Reporter: But I am!
(He jumps out of window)
Duke: En garde!
(They fire their Thunder Bolts as Lightsabers)
Duke: Ohh... havn't you got a big chopper!
Boba: Suck on this!! (Shoots him up)
Duke: Ooh! Ouch, that hurt! Right, you're in for a whipping!
(They fire at each other a bit)
Duke: You are weak Fett now I am the master!
Boba: you are only a master of bates Duke... sorry, queers.
Duke: (deeper voice, still gay) Hey Boba ever gone.... Fishing?
Boba: Give it up, Duke. We both know this is a cheap way of mentioning
"tackle", "rods" and "dangling your line about".
Duke: (text) Me never... Hang on what's happened to the sound?
Boba: (text) I dunno. I think we've lost the sounds for these lines.
Duke: (text) Well, look for them!
Boba: (text) Okay!
(Boba runs around while the camera stays firmly on Duke)
Boba: (text) Why can't I find those damn sounds?!
(Taros runs on)
Taros: Because we can't do sounds here at Q-Corpse.
All: Booooooooo!
Taros: Well, I got the sound back!
All: Booooooooo!
Taros: O.K I'll go (starts to cry)
(Off screen)
Taros: Goodbye cruel world!
(Boom Ahhh. Their Dual continues)
Duke: Boba I am your sister!
Boba: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Duke shoots him against)
Duke: No I did that to distract you, saw it in some film.
(He steps back against window)
Boba: Eat this!
(Fires Grenade Remaic to follow it. To Final Countdown Music misses out of
window)
Psyk: (Text) Cut!
(next grenade out window as well)
Psyk: (Text) Cut!
(Grenade hits Duke falls out window. Shooting Thunder bolt in Emperor
Palpatine style)
Duke: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!
Boba: (goes over to window) That's what I call, takin' out the TRAAASH!!
Hah! Mission complete. I hope Psyk edited this film well.
(Fade to black)
 
Scene 13 Celebration Room
(Music as end of Starwars Boba walks up the isle slowly, nodding to the
music. Gets to the top steps he stands there)
ST: DRINK!!
(Raptourus Cheers)
Hawkins: Stop-where-is-the-babycham?
Boba: I sold it to a fat Jabba called Jabba I had to make a profit my family
are starving my poor little children Corran and Bror and then theres Christmas
presents issue that always screws my Bank balance why did the bastards have
to have an N64 Playstations are much cheaper...
(Boba dies)
Text: This film is dedicated to Wedje who died in the making of this film.
Boba: (VO) Hey wait! (Not VO) I'm aliiive!
(Happy music and they all dance)
Hawkins: You-traitor-exterminate-exterminate-exterminate!!!
Boba: You'll never get me alive!
(Crowd, St, Haywood and Elliot start to fire at him but he Rocket jumps out
of the window. Fade to Black. Roll credits. At End Epilogue)

Scene 14 Field
(two sheep as before Michael runs on)
Michael: Hmmm..
(Starts to bugger 1st sheep furious bleating and strange noise (you know the
sort). ST telefrags other sheep)
ST: Aha a trap...
(Xenia telefrags buggered sheep)
Michael: Shit!!!
(He legs it chased by them two)

Scene 15 Maze
(Filmed from above to pacman noises ST chases George Michael)

Scene 16 Celebration room
(Fade back to window.)
Boba: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Hang on what floor are we on AAAAAAHHHHHH
(Fade to Black)
Text: The End... We Hope
