001: A QUALITY DEATHMATCH MAP FOR DUKE3D



               [    -  F U C K   A L L   S U C K A S -   ]

   name         : FUCK ALL SUCKAS
   file         : PSYCHO.MAP
   author       : TIM SCHFER alias THE CLEANER alias PSYCHO
   for          : DUKE NUKEM 3D ( by 3D-REALMS )
   settings     : DUKEMATCH ( spawn:on/ markers:off/ MAX= 3 Players, 3  
                  recommed for A LOT of frags per second! )
   additional author info : I know noone really cares, but I'm 16, I just
        left my girlfriend, I live in germany (it really sucks, don't spend 
        your holidays here, use them to build levels instead!), my hobbies 
        are BLABLABLA...the weather,BLABLA...
   author loves           : Carmen  
 
[..............................Play Info.....................................]              

  Single Player         : for playtesting only (no monsters,woody!)
  Cooperative           : lemme think...  no.
  Deathmatch            : I think you know,but: YES
  Difficulty Settings   : no
  new grafix            : no, I like it the way it is
  new sounds            : no
  new music             : no, music simply sucks
  demos replaced        : no, I hate demos

[.............................Construction...................................]

  base             : New map from scratch
  editors used     : BUILD
  BUILDtime        : Building this fuckin' cool map took me quiet a long time.
               You know, for reasons like being a real DUKEHERO, you
               lose a lot of things, not just time. Girlfriends don't
               love your levels, but you (maybe). Some even think that DUKE
               isn't HOT stuff...
  
  release date     : Do you really care?
  known bugs       : None, this is quality.
                     If you notice one, lemme know: ratzbutz-CHR@t-online.de
  machine used     : -Intel Pentium 200 ( Of course, I hate Intel and I'm
                      ashamed 'cause I got a Pentium )
                     -an IBM and a MAXTOR HDD with 6 GB of harddiskspace,
                      that's enough to make levels for every game you
                      can imagine!
                     -no 3DFXcard (it forces you to use W95, doesn't it?)



[........................A B O U T   T H I S   O N E.........................]



   STORY         : You are Duke. Kill all suckas.
   CRASHES       : About 5. ( These are the crashes it took me to build it,
                   not the number of crashes I had when I played ! )
   WEAPONS       : None.   
                 ( Just a joke, hu ha ! TRY IT !!! [no freezethrower and 
                   other shitty weapons] )
   ITEMS         : Who cares? If you do so- FUCK YOU, NONE ! (this isn't
                   a joke)
   HEALTH        : Real Dukematch needs NO health, but I treaded something
                   to you. Not much, but something. ( Understood? You have
                   to FIGHT for it ! [ one big medikit/ +30 hp ] )
   ENEMIES       : Your best friend, your love, Billy Boy Gates,
                   your grandmother, your worst enemie, your teachers, 
                   the devil, Dieter Bohlen,
                   or probably even the best DUKE-player ever - ME !!!
                   Choose them yourself.
   3DFX REQUIRED : NO.
   DESINGN       : It's cool, but it doesn't look as hot as Carmen 
                   (nothing does).


[..............................  F  A  Q ....................................]

 Unworthy ones : Who's Carmen?
 THE CLEANER   : She is a GOD you can touch, she tastes better than
                 anything you could imagine, she looks like... oh my GOD!
 
 Unworthy ones : Is Carmen your girlfriend?
 THE CLEANER   : GGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!! UUUMMMPPPFFF!!!! (no.) 

 Unworthy ones : Did you leave your girlfriend because of Carmen?
 THE CLEANER   : no comment       
 
 Unworthy ones : What's your REAL name?
 THE CLEANER   : PSYCHO (Remember this! You'll probably meet me online
                 one day...)

 Unworthy ones : Where is THE CLEANER from?
 THE CLEANER   : I am not from Iraq. Definetly not. 
                ( hint : I am from where everybody likes eating a BRATWURST. )
                ( hint2: Don't consume meat! )

 Unworthy ones : Do you like Wolfenstein3D, the great game by ID-Software?
 THE CLEANER   : YES,YES,YES,YES,YES,YEAH!!!

 Unworthy ones : Is Quake2 too brutal?
 THE CLEANER   : NOTHING is too brutal 'cause nothing's harder than life 
                 itself, isn't it? 

 Unworthy ones : Why is THE CLEANER the best DUKE-player ever?
 THE CLEANER   : Look into my eyes and you will know.

 Unworthy ones : We know we suck - but: How do we get started ?
 THE CLEANER   : OK. Here it is step-by-step:


                 1.) Pay the bills of your POWER-STATION to get POWER! 
                 
                 2.) Press the ON-switch of an IBM-PC that is
                 equipped with the following devises: 
                 -min. 8 MB of RAM ( What about 32? )
                 -a harddisk with the ORIGINAL version 1.3D of DUKE3D
                 BY 3D-REALMS on it
                 -DOS 6.2 or 6.22 ( W95 by Billy-Boy Gates sucks! )
                 -the NORTON COMMANDER 4.0 or 5.0 ( coooooooooool! )
                 -a graphix card ( no 3dfx required, that`s cool, isn`t it? )
                 -keyboard ( don`t use your mouse to play DUKE, it SUCKS! )
                 -diskdrive for 3.5 floppy disks ( you`ve got it, search! )
                 -soundcard could be useful,huha...
                 -mouse and the DUKE3D mousepad
                 -some other stuff (a bottle of Coca-Cola,...)
                  a photo of Carmen (I 've got one. Cool, isn't it?)

                 3.) Get into your DUKE3D-directory.
 Unworthy ones  : It doesn`t work.
 THE CLEANER    : Wait till the boot sequence is finished before typing.
                
                 4.) Insert the disk with the file PSYCHO.MAP on it into 
                     your diskdrive ( remember: NOT HARDdiskdrive! ).

                 4.b) Get online and open your eyes. That's all. Goto 6.).

                 5.) Type the following:
                     copy a:\*.* c:\games\duke3d
                     ( Works only if your DUKE3D-directory is C:\GAMES\DUKE3D
                       and if PSYCHO.MAP is in A:\  )
 Unworthy ones  : Where do we find "*" on the keyboard?
 THE CLEANER    : Try all keys.

                 6.) Type the following to test or play in single player-mode
                     ( if you think it`s funny ) :

                 DUKE3D -MAP PSYCHO
               
                 HINT: You should force somebody to buy a 
                       PC and start a multiplayer-game using SETUP.EXE - If
                       you don`t know how: read my book "What to do if you are
                       as dumb as Dieter Bohlen".

 Unworthy ones  : We don't have money 'cause we are too dumb and we can`t
                  buy your holy book!

 THE CLEANER    : Choose SELECT USER MAP after choosing SERIAL or NETWORK
                  and select PSYCHO.MAP. Select LAUNCH DUKE afterwards. Or:
                  Try to get a holiday job at:

                  TRINKS HANNOVER
                  Getrnkelogistik GmbH,
                  Ackerkpfe 15
                  31249 Hohenhameln (Germany)
   
                  Work there for a few days (you'll probably meet ME)
                  and buy the book afterwards.
                    
 Unworthy ones  : Does THE CLEANER have friends?
 THE CLEANER    : I think I killed all of them.

 Unworthy ones  : What colour has a glass of milk if it is 15 years old? 
 THE CLEANER    : Orange with blue and green stars and stripes on it.

 Unworthy ones  : What's my colour if I drink it?
 THE CLEANER    : Colour and race don't matter to me.

 Unworthy ones  : We like DUKE3D     A N D    QUAKE. Is this illegal?
 THE CLEANER    : Not illegal, but cool! Look out for my levels for

                 -DOOM : MIA.WAD (Missed in action); a quality single-
                  player episode with 6 levels
                 -DOOM2 : REALITY.WAD, MYDEATH.WAD, DCHURCH.WAD, ...
                 -QUAKE : coming soon...
                 -QUAKE2 : I'm thinkin' about it.
                 -SHADOW WARRIOR: CITY.MAP
                 -many DUKE3D maps, for example the great UMINE.MAP
                 -C&C (NOT RED ALERT, IT SUCKS!!!) : -Join the R.A.F. 
                                                     -many more...
                 -descent/descent2: Does anybody know a better editor
                  than DEVIL?
                  Give it to me and you'll get quality levels!

 Unworthy ones : Does THE CLEANER like the R.A.F. ?
 THE CLEANER   : no comment

 Unworthy ones : Where and when can I meet THE CLEANER?
 THE CLEANER   : Burn all your pets.

 Unworthy ones : Why does Germany suck?
 THE CLEANER   : In Germany, everything is forbidden. You aren't allowed to
                 play 3D-Games (under the age of 18), to smoke grass,
                 Quake2 isn't avaiable at all, and everything you buy is 
                 censored.
                 
 Unworthy ones : Why aren't YOU in the www?
 THE CLEANER   : Look at the money the Deutsche Telekom AG demands
                 and you'll wish you never asked.

 Unworthy ones : What ...
 THE CLEANER   : No more questions.


[.................................THANKS.....................................]

 THE CLEANER thanks :
                     -the COCA-COLA-COMPANY for the best drink
                     -duff beer 
                     -the man/woman who developed the BRATWURST
                     (but remember: I don't eat flesh and you shouldn't, too)
                     -Pro Pain, Vision of Disorder, Pantera 
          [check out: http://gwis2.circ.gwu.edu/~pantera/music/Pantera/],
                      Rage against the machine, Sepultura, Paingod,
                      Killing Culture, Biohazard, Refused, Desultory for music
                     -GOD (or SATAN?) for making me the best DUKE-player ever
                     -Carmen ( oh my GOD, how did you create something 
                      sooooo beautiful? )
                     -the Simpsons
                     -Gute Zeiten, Schlechte Zeiten ( very funny, hahahahaa..)
                     -Harald Schmidt
                     -Activision for MechWarrior ][
                     -FragMan and the Bean for KaosDoom, ask for it at:
                      100447,1334@COMPUSERVE.COM (the best sounds for Doom2)
                     -3D-REALMS for the best...BLABLABLA 

 NO THANKS TO:       -Dieter Bohlen & Veronika Feldbums 
                      (Do you Remember "Modern Talking"?)
                     -the government and the big,ugly Mr. Kohl
                     -Westwood for Red Alert
                     -the CaFetteria
                     -Micro$oft for W95
                     -Eidos Interactive for Nude Raider & Nude Raider 2
                     -LucasArts for Yedi Knight (it sucks)
                     -LeChuck (Monkey Island 1 & 2) for stealing my map
                      in the second part
                     -Deutsche Telekom and Deutsche Post AG
                     -the sucka who invented the nuclear power station
                     -Micro$oft for DirectX 2.0
                     -Micro$oft for DirectX 3.0
                     -Micro$oft for DirectX 5.0
                     -Micro$oft for "AUTORUN.EXE" and its problems
                     -Micro$oft for W95B (IO.SYS has a BIG fault, so
                      himem.sys uses more than 40 (!!!) instead of 2 kb
                      of memory! Check out my webpage (doesn't exist at this
                      moment,but coming soon,I'll tell you)
                      for a patched IO.SYS or buy a C't.
                      The best solution: Simply don't USE Windows95!
                     -Micro$oft for W98 (what's really new?)
                     -Lars K. for wearing those nasty jeanes that
                      nearly reach his knees

 HATE TO:            -Micro$oft
                     -Billy Boy Gates
                     -everybody who buys or likes Micro$oft products
                     -everybody who produces software for W95/W98
                     -die Republikaner and the NPD (Facism sucks!)
                     -our boring teachers ("No weapons at school!")


[..............................IQ check......................................]

1) What does R.A.F. stand for?   a) Rote Armee Fraktion             (10p.)  
                                 b) Radikaler Affen Fanclub         (-1000p.)
                                 c) Rohe Artischocken fressen!      (-1000p.)


2) Who was Pol Pot?              a) A sucka.                        (10p.)
                                 b) The dictator of Cambodscha      (5p.)
                                 c) He was the Marlboro Man.        (0p.)

3) What smells like fish?        a) CENSORED                        (2p.)
                                 b) the girlfriend of Lars K.       (2p.)
                                 c) fish                            (10p.)

4) In which state do you         a) Germany                         (10p.)
   become a criminal if you      b) Germany                         (10p.)
   play the great Wolf3D?        c) Germany                         (9.333p.)
 
5) Why was it a bad idea of      a) She's under 13. That's illegal! (10p.)
   Billy Boy Clinton to fuck     b) She looks as if she had put her (20p.)
   Monika Lewinski?                 head into a deep fryer
                                 c) It wasn't a bad idea at all.    (0p.)


  -1000  to  2   p.: put your genitals in a deep fryer
      3  to 20   p.: you're as dumb as Diether Bohlen
     21  to 40   p.: quiet bad,woody!
     41  to 60   p.: lucky son of a bitch
     61  to 69   p.: ----  [ I didn't expect you to get more than 40 ]
     70          p.: mentally really tough, guy - or are you
                     just a dirty cheater?

[............................ WHAT WAS DONE..................................]

THE CLEANER    : idea,design,map editing,weapons,readme,...
my brother     : trying to stop all of the above 
CARMEN         : just beeing there and giving me the force to survive
                 in this dark, bad world
Franziska      : helping me to accept that Carmen isn't my girlfriend yet
                 and that this is NO reason to kill myself
Carina         : hating me for loving her sister (not 'cause she loves me!)
Christian      : the one who's in the www and gets my e-mails, a friend
                 who survived
Ulrike Meinhof : no comment
Irmgard Mller : no comment
Pinelli        : murdered by the police in 1969

          
[................................WEBQUARTERS.................................]

Send your e-mail to : Ratzbutz-CHR@t-online.de



[..................HOW TO BECOME IMMORTAL, ACCORDING TO THE CLEANER..........]


a) Kill Gill Bates. (Remember? Micro$oft is evil and must be destroyed!)

OR:

b) Kiss Carmen.

OR:

c) Burn down the following building:

 Gymnasium Gro Ilsede           
 Am Schulzentrum 35              
 31241 Ilsede (Germany)          

 Remember: Send a warning to room 511 (THE CLEANER) and
           311 (Carmen) before starting. (We'll get out anyway.)

[..................................Copyright.................................]

Do watcha want, but include this file if you distribute this map
(any electronic format) and tell the world that this one was the
base if you modify it.



Thank you for reading all of this shit. It took me ages to write it down.

Very special thanks to: -Cruela (C. Schlusche,15, Austria) for hot e-mails
and sexy online-talks.
                        -Carmen for giving me a photo (Oh my GOD, look
                         at that beauty!)

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666:    Y  O  U                      A  R  E            P  A  T  I  E  N  T .